Baby Makes Three
Hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time made me shake with awe and wonder. Seeing him or her leaping up and down in our first ultrasound, and then giving us a little wave with that sweet tiny hand made me lose it. Nearly three months in, I still can’t believe that such a beautiful thing could be happening to us.
Although this little one was created out of our open hopefulness & intentionality, it was only up until a few months ago that we changed our pretty definite plans to hold off on kiddos until we returned from our overseas travels. Looking back, I laugh in embarrassment as I realize how proudly I recited our very logical plan to family and loved ones. Everything had reasoning: Denver was for growing and healing, to learn how to be married. Our traveling for 9-12 months was for the purpose of experiencing beautiful Christian communities and capturing video among them in order to better learn how to be present and genuine in our own world. Then, upon our return to the states, we would debrief, re-acclimate to our culture and then we would begin talking about starting a family, because you have to be stable and steady for kids, right? (This is where all the parents laugh at me.) Oh, how “safe” my plans were. It's funny because I never would have considered myself an obsessive or fearful planner; I have always been sort of free spirited and spontaneous. I think somehow when it comes to our most precious dreams, we all become a little controlling and protective. I had no idea my plans were fear-based until Jesus completely blew me out of the water by revealing to me the true desires of my heart.
A few months ago, Derrick and I both began thinking about our future kids, talking about being parents, expressing the desires to have a baby. It all seemed light hearted, so the joke was “We have to hurry up and go overseas so that we can come back and have babies.” Around the same time, I had a pregnancy “scare”, but when I saw that the test was negative, I was surprised to find myself tearful and almost devastated instead of relieved. It was that day that I began picturing us overseas with our baby, surrounded by African women and Indian children and Haitian people. I saw our little one being held, being played with and being adored in these environments where we would first learn to be parents, and instantly a new desire seared alive in my spirit.
At first I was nervous to talk to Derrick about these new dreams. Sure, babies had been in our conversation, but in a joking way. Something about seriously addressing taking an infant overseas made me quake a little. During our stay with family in St. Joe back in early April, we took time to walk around the downtown area near our first home. As we began seriously discussing the prospect of being open to conceiving, I was amazed at Derrick’s affirming reaction. I completely expected him to freak out a little, but quite oppositely, these wild dreams dwelled in his heart too. He was encouraging and positive about all the realities we could think of and confident in Jesus about the realities we have yet to fathom. I knew in my heart his reaction was a deep confirmation of what the Lord desired. Together, we got on our knees like little kids and prayed in a courtyard, crying and surrendering all of our control to prevent pregnancy. It was such a sweet moment that I’ll never forget.
What’s been so very special in this is realizing how deeply we are specifically loved. I feel incredibly humbled to be embarking on such a beautiful adventure that, for us, is the perfect mixture of our dreams and desires. Harboring this life feels like the noblest thing I have ever done and fills me with such deep joy, its intensity is overwhelming. Actually, for a while I found myself afraid to really give into it, like I was waiting for the coast to be clear. Thanks to the kind words of others who have lived, I am slowly learning that life doesn’t offer bonafide safety that we can tip toe out on to in order to finally feel comfortable enough to open up our joy. Waiting for that is denial and is the same as choosing an unfeeling existence. Life is chaotic and unpredictable and our only reliable assurance is the unchanging, loving character of God, who carries us through all of it. This baby has already taught us so much about God and about ourselves just by being alive; it's such a wonder. Thank you to so many who have encouraged us to pursue these dreams and callings. You words have allowed us to abandon the false requirement for “safe” because life with Jesus really isn’t safe, but, it is sooooo very good. †
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